Can you hear me now is a common catch phrase in our new tech/cell phone world.

I would see that ad and think to myself, no, I can't hear you.

Not all the time.

Then I would think, "It is probably because I am not engaged enough. Or not listening well enough."

It turns out there is a more simplistic answer.

I can't hear you.

I would like to hear you. But I am going to come clean. I can't hear you. I do my best, I read your lips I put that together with what I am thinking you are saying, but my reality is this. I can't hear you.

My sweet husband has endured this for many years. I accused him of mumbling.

In my ears he was mumbling.

I would say, "I can't hear you when you walk away."

At times, I could not hear a single word he said if he was not facing me. Not one single word.

I thought it was normal husband-under-the-breath moments.

He couldn't "hear" me either.

He did not understand why I kept asking him to repeat what he said.  It had to frustrate him.

It had to frustrate my kids. I remember looking at all of them and asking myself, "Why don't they respond?" I could not hear them.

When they did respond, I wondered why they took that tone with me. For parents, it is all about the tone. If you are not hearing all of the tones of your children, you will only hear the tone that you can hear.

For some, it sounded negative.

For others, if I could hear their tone, it sounded positive.

I can't wait to hear what my kids really sound like, with hearing aids.

My audiologist walked me through all of the steps today.

When he brought me in the room, I can't lie, I was like, "Okay, here I come." His tone sounded negative.

It is hard to explain but when you don't hear all tones, for me, you can't know how people feel. And let's be honest, our voices set the tone.

Then he talked to me over a head phone. I heard his voice. It did not sound at all like the voice I heard in real life. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I have not heard anyone for a long time. I mean I hear you, but I don't hear you.

I could still hear some things.  So it never crossed my mind that I had a hearing impairment. It never crossed John's mind that every "What?" was me saying I can't hear.

I hear people when it is one-on-one. I do a lot of interviews. I hear them. Depending in their tones, I hear them more.

I really hear you if you are facing me.

Which has made me realize how much I read your lips.

On the phone, I am dependent on you being on speaker phone. If you are not, I cannot hear you. I have to point my phone on speaker phone directly at my right ear to hear you. I heard mumbling on my phone, but on speaker I could hear you. If it was right by my ear.

You would think I would say to myself, "This is not how the rest of the world is living."

The reality is this. I thought this was what everyone else was doing.

I have wondered if I could hear like everyone else for a very long time.

Obviously I hear.

But today I found out, confirmed, I don't hear like everyone else.

I have peace with that. This has been my world for a long time. I don't know anything different.

My husband and I have talked all night about the many things that should have made us more aware of this. Denial. Maybe. Not knowing any different, maybe more.

We have a few more tests to go to confirm it is just a hearing loss. Please keep the Grovers in your prayers as we muddle through this.

As always, I thank you for always being by my side.